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Banging my head against the wall

To dance is to live

Thoughts Posted on Mon, August 12, 2019 14:31:58

I had a really nice day last Saturday and I also got a new insight.

First, I met up with two good friends at a coffee shop, we talked for a couple of hours.

This two women are very special and important to me. I’ve known them for quite some years now and we are all three into personal, emotional and spiritual evolution and development. We exchange ideas and experiences and we feel relaxed in each other’s company. The three of us live very different lives from one another, yet we have so many things in common.

After having deep, meaningful conversation with these two beautiful friends it was time for me to go. I had a birthday celebration to attend to. One of my coworkers turned 40 the other day and was throwing a Rastafari (Caribbean if you prefer) inspired party!!

The party was great!

The food was a Caribbean inspired buffet. Salmon with coconut, spicy chicken skewers, melon salad, mango salsa, fruit skewers, rice with corn and edamam, halloumi and a delicious lime salsa.

Afterwards we had coffee, brownies and coconut ice cream with ripples of passionfruit.

It was very exquisite, all of it.

But what I actually looked forward to the most, was the dance. Because, surely there’ll be dancing. There’s always dancing’s at parties, right?

We had some fun and games while having coffee and dessert. I “won” the game I participated in and it was all fun.

What I want to get down to with this post is the dancing.

I love to dance and you who have read my earlier posts know a little about me and music. Music and dancing go hand in hand, to me. I can rarely sit still when I hear a good song or tune.

And it turns out that dancing does something to me.

I posted a lot of selfies during the evening and I got a comment from a very dear friend of mine in Canada. She wrote:

“WOW you get younger looking every time I see you….must be the dancing”

And then it hit me! (No, it wasn’t painful, haha)

I think she’s on to something. I think she’s spot on! I think she’s right!

I looked at the pic she commented on and I could actually see the joy manifested in my face. I looked somehow a little bit different. It was not the light, nor the fact that I was all sweaty. It was something in the essence of me that was lighter, brighter. I don’t have the exact words to describe it, but I could see the difference.

So there and then I decided never to give up dancing. To dance whenever and wherever I am. Because for me, is life giving. I become more alive when I dance. And I feel happy when I dance. When I dance I am in touch with Source, I vibrate higher, I am free, I am ONE with everything.

I’m not going to start taking dance lessons or anything of the sort, but instead I’m going to take every single chance I get, to dance. Because I love my life and I want to celebrate being and feeling alive. And my way to do that, you see, is by dancing.



Latest news

Thoughts Posted on Thu, August 01, 2019 19:39:55

It’s been a while now! Right?
Life. That’s what’s happened. Life.

So, I’m in very much need to do this. Write about the things that give me headaches, write so that I don’t bang my head against the wall.

I’m not going to give you an update right now. I’m just going to write some thoughts and revelations I’ve had lately.

I’ve had a mayor wake up this spring/summer.
I always knew I was kinda “fucked up” in so many ways and so many levels, but what I came to realise this year, was not exactly unexpected, although it blew me away anyway.

Love

Yes, LOVE

You would think that love is love, right? Well, yes. In a way it is. But everybody has one’s own definition of it.
I have coming to the insight that I grew up with conditional love. A lot.

“Do this, to show me you love me”, “If you don’t —————(insert words of your own choice), well then it means you don’t love me like you say you do.” At some point in my life I would even ask: “What can I do to prove to you that I love you?”
Yes, I’ve spoken those same words myself. And when I started to understand that that was wrong I simply thought it to myself instead, every time I didn’t “get my way”.

And you know what? That is just so wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Fucked up!
Not just to the people who love me and care for me, but wrong for myself too. I kept this horrendous idea alive through so many years!
I’ve wasted precious time. I conditioned, when instead I should have allowed.

The worst part is that I realised this a few years ago and even talked about it with a friend of mine. I had just began to grasp the matter. I talked about writing down my own “definitions” of what I called and believed to be true love, then analysing them to see if my definitions were true and if not start to “reprogram” my beliefs. Cause I knew I had some of it backwards. But then, I didn’t. I even bought a special book to write in, for when inspiration or revelations showed up. But nah. I never got round to it. I regret that very much today. Very, very much.
I could have spared someone I love deeply, a lot of pain. I could just have loved them, for who they are and not for what I supposed or thought they would/should be.

We read, we speak of unconditional love, but honestly, how many of us practices it for real? Do you?



Update

Thoughts Posted on Sun, April 24, 2016 00:36:47



Time flies…………

Thoughts Posted on Tue, September 17, 2013 11:47:48

Wooooohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

What a year!!!!!!!!!

Just realized, it’s been a whole year since I last posted here! smiley
And WHAT a year it’s been!!!

I am soon a divorced woman…..but in a relationship with my soon-to-be ex-husband. smiley
Yeah! I had lots of epiphanies during this summer and beginning of fall………..

One was, that I still love Ulf but I can’t live with him……..yet……maybe in the future….maybe never…..but for now we’ll be living in separate homes. The girls have come to appreciate the divided time and are quite “down” to it now…..*phew*

I have worked all summer, still working part time, at the front desk of Hotel Gute here in Visby. I love my work!!! The best place to work!
The guests are new adventures for every new “meet” smiley Such variety of people!
My colleagues are beautiful, wonderful women in various ages and from different parts of the world and different paths of life. But all very lovely and gorgeous gals! smiley
I appreciate our differences and our likenesses, I learn a lot from them and I hope they feel I’m helpful towards them. It’s been an amazing journey……from the loss of my Dad ’till where I stand today.

It’s been an interesting, learning experience, this summer!

I have reinvented myself and retrieved my former self……I look back and I see all the steps I’ve taken, by my own and with help from others……and I’m fascinated with how far I’ve come…….I have found my core and my strength……I’M BACK!!!

I say thanks to Hansa Utbildning, for believing in me when I didn’t
I’m grateful for finding my soulsister Jessica there
I love to have found friends and beautiful souls like André, Dennis & Elin there
I appreciate the good work of Maud, Peter2meter, Pär, Peter F and all of the other tutors/mentors, that I have relied on there
I am glad to have learned to know Inga-Maj, one of the most unselfish and caring souls there

I have found the way I want to live my life! With joy! Through joy! Feeling joy! Inspiring joy! Inspired by joy! And allowing! Allowing myself to be where I am right now! Allowing myself to feel the way I do! Allowing myself to be who I am!
The feeling of joy combined with allowing is one of the most powerful feelings in my life right now. The well-being that follows is amazing!

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! <3

So here’s to another amazing commencing year, filled with JOY, HAPPINESS, FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, ALLOWING AND WELL-BEING!!!



In your eyes

Thoughts Posted on Tue, September 11, 2012 20:18:42

I can still feel your embrace

Your warmth surrounds me although you’re not here anymore

In your eyes I can see the endlessness of the Universe

In them I want to loose myself

Float,

weightless and embraced

I have lost all wit and sense

Take me into your arms again

still my wonders with a kiss



Come dance a whirling dance

Thoughts Posted on Tue, September 11, 2012 20:16:58

If I hadn’t met you

I would have been in peace

Now the fever burns in my body

out of lust for you

Come tame that flame

you lit in me

Come see desire in my eyes

and abandone yourself

Come dance a whirling dance

let the frenzy sway your steps

Come into my arms

and rest there

calm and cherished



MUSIC

Thoughts Posted on Sun, January 29, 2012 17:41:35

Has always been a big part of my life……not that I play any instrument…..but I do listen to it almost all the time…..

When growing up in Mexico at my grandmother’s house there was always music, on the radio or playing records…..

I grew up listening to the Beatles, Elvis Presley, The Doors, Carlos Santana, Chicago and all kinds of 70’s disco music.

My parents took me to see “Jesus Christ Superstar” at the movies and my aunt bought the double LP…..I used to play Mary Magdalene, I had a doll that I pretended was Jesus and I learned the lyrics of the songs Yvonne Elliman sang in the musical……at first I just sang what I thought I heard, but later on I actually learned the real lyrics (more or less)…….I’ve been told I took the role very seriously…..I must have been 4 or 5 years old……

There’s a song by Chicago I connect to my childhood and our house in Mexico….early school mornings….don’t know why and unfortunately I don’t know the name of the song…..I just recognize it when I hear it and it takes me back instantly……

My Mum told me once that Mexicans are so good at learning and singing lyrics in English but when it comes to actually speaking not so good……remember when Shakira had her breakthrough in the US?….(we’ve known her, like forever, in Latin America) and she was interviewed?…..she could hardly speak English…..same phenomenon there….

When I was a kid in Mexico we used to have the house full of kids…..we used to dance…..boys with girls…..we played singles mostly and we had a stereo where we could stack the singles and an arm dropped them one by one……(kids of today have no idea what I’m talking about, right? lol) Anyway…..At my grandma’s my Mum’s younger brother used to have parties from time to time……and we danced……I loved and still love to dance…..unfortunately I married a man who won’t unless he must smiley…………………

I can’t recall when it started, but I always listen to the lyrics before I listen to the melody in a song……the song has to “speak” to me otherwise I can’t be bothered…..it’s been like this for me for ages…..I love to communicate through songs and music….I once was in a relationship where we used to send music cassettes to each other with songs that described how we felt…..we had to, since we lived with oceans apart…..(just like in the Richard Marx’ song)….we wrote letters too but the songs connected us in a different way……

Come to think of it I did play an instrument for a short while in school…..2nd or 3rd grade I played the transverse flute…..mind you I had a good pitch…..I remember I had forgotten to practice the homework at one time…..but when I was to play up for the teacher I blew the entire piece without a flaw (!!!!!) But after two (or maybe three) terms I quit…..haven’t played any instrument since…..Olivia wants to learn to play the violin and Julia the piano…..My Dad, bless his soul, played the guitar and my grandpa’ played the violin….I remember when we used to visit my grandparents when I was between the ages of 7 and 11, in the evenings, my Dad and his Dad could play some Swedish songs….. smiley

When I moved in with my husband (before we got married) I had a period of a slight depression (didn’t realize it then) and I wondered why I felt so blue and down…..after a couple of weeks I came to the conclusion that it had to be because I didn’t have any music around me!! When I lived at home with my parents my Mum always turned on the radio or put some record on as soon as she got though the door smiley So there was always music on……but then again she could never understand how I was able to study or make my homework with music on…..she figured I’d get distracted but it was the opposite, I tried to explain to her…..she never “got it” but she let me be……

When I gave birth to Olivia I had a boom box with me to the hospital…..I didn’t play it loud but I wanted to have music to soothe me…..so Olivia and I “have” a song…..”our” song is “I knew I loved you” with Savage Garden smiley Unfortunately Julia and I don’t smiley, but we’re browsing smiley

So when my Dad died we had to choose the music to play at the funeral…..we wanted to play so many songs but we had to cut the list to three tunes……so we chose “You raise me up”, “Brevet från Lillan” and “Äglamark” (the Swedish ones were merely instrumental, written by Evert Taube) Evert Taube was one of my Dad’s favourite composers and troubadour…..the songs he and granddad played were mostly of this composer……

Brevet från Lillan:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20DtG9qr4ik

Änglamark (sung by Evert’s son, Sven-Bertil):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7vfPOKA9Dg

Link to Wikipedia’s page about Evert Taube:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evert_Taube

I almost forgot……I haven’t found my “theme song” yet……You who watched Ally McBeal know what I’m talking about smiley…………but I have some options…..if you have a suggestion, please let me know smiley



9 years

Thoughts Posted on Sun, October 02, 2011 21:29:12

Can someone please tell me where the last 9 years have gone?????????

Yesterday we held a slumberparty at our house to celebrate Julia’s birthday, that’s the kind of party she wanted. She invited all 15 of her classmates, 3 couldn’t come. So we had 12 kids + Olivia here from 7 P.M. to 9:30 A.M. this morning smiley

September 30th 2002 at 5:40 A.M. she was born, my “babygirl”……..I can’t believe it’s been 9 years already!!!! What have I been doing during all this time???? What have I acomplished????

Well, I have changed…..that’s for sure…..having kids always makes you grow (hopefully) and makes you see the world with different and at times with a new pair of eyes……I’m not the same I was…..hopefully I’m better in some ways and perhaps not worse, but at least the same, in others……I have new or different points of view when it comes to child raising (rearing), compared to the ones I had before any of my girls arrived……

I hope one day my kids can look back at their childhood and think and feel it wasn’t too bad……I hope they forgive my mistakes and feel thankfullness for the things I did in their best interest……I hope they can say there were happy times in their lives…..I’m hoping last night will be one memory they’ll keep forever…..I know I am….

For the last to schoolyears Julia’s teacher has been telling us parents how much she loves working with this class…..’cause they are so warm, caring and wellbehaved…..I always thought to myself: “yeah, yeah, she only gets to see the best of them since she only has them for some hours Monday to Friday”. Yesterday I had the privilige to see with my own eyes and experience for myself what she’s been on about……..12 kids who got along all the time……not one incident…..not one dispute…..not one sad or lonely kid the entire time!!!!! That’s so friggin’ awesome!!! I couldn’t believe it…..hubby and I were mesmerized!! They danced, they participated in a “talent competition” we had and there was no envy, no hurt feelings, no cheating, no arguing!!! They all accepted the “jury’s” choice and the ones that didn’t make the top 3 voted for the “talent” they liked the most……I got so moved by all the kindness that exists between this kids…….I truly hope it lasts throughout the 4th – 6th grade……I feel so blessed that my kid is one of them…….so therefore, last night I will always remember 9 or 19 years from now………



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