It’s been a while now! Right?
Life. That’s what’s happened. Life.

So, I’m in very much need to do this. Write about the things that give me headaches, write so that I don’t bang my head against the wall.

I’m not going to give you an update right now. I’m just going to write some thoughts and revelations I’ve had lately.

I’ve had a mayor wake up this spring/summer.
I always knew I was kinda “fucked up” in so many ways and so many levels, but what I came to realise this year, was not exactly unexpected, although it blew me away anyway.

Love

Yes, LOVE

You would think that love is love, right? Well, yes. In a way it is. But everybody has one’s own definition of it.
I have coming to the insight that I grew up with conditional love. A lot.

“Do this, to show me you love me”, “If you don’t —————(insert words of your own choice), well then it means you don’t love me like you say you do.” At some point in my life I would even ask: “What can I do to prove to you that I love you?”
Yes, I’ve spoken those same words myself. And when I started to understand that that was wrong I simply thought it to myself instead, every time I didn’t “get my way”.

And you know what? That is just so wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Fucked up!
Not just to the people who love me and care for me, but wrong for myself too. I kept this horrendous idea alive through so many years!
I’ve wasted precious time. I conditioned, when instead I should have allowed.

The worst part is that I realised this a few years ago and even talked about it with a friend of mine. I had just began to grasp the matter. I talked about writing down my own “definitions” of what I called and believed to be true love, then analysing them to see if my definitions were true and if not start to “reprogram” my beliefs. Cause I knew I had some of it backwards. But then, I didn’t. I even bought a special book to write in, for when inspiration or revelations showed up. But nah. I never got round to it. I regret that very much today. Very, very much.
I could have spared someone I love deeply, a lot of pain. I could just have loved them, for who they are and not for what I supposed or thought they would/should be.

We read, we speak of unconditional love, but honestly, how many of us practices it for real? Do you?